Are you ready for Christian Courtship?

To be honest, I don't believe in "Christian-courtship" like I once did. Fifteen years ago I believed strongly in the following principles.

  1. Content yourself until it's "time" - (don't get close to anyone from the opposite sex until you're ready to say "I do" within a year or so)

  2. Outcast anyone not worthy -  Don't spend lots of time and emotional investment in someone who doesn't align with your values and isn't marry-able. You might get heartbroken, and you must protect your heart at all costs.

  3. Undermine your emotions - Follow principles and logic (an objective approach) over following your emotions (a subjective approach).

  4. Resist the urge to express your affection - Maintain strict physical boundaries so you don't compromise your purity.

  5. Treat God like a genie - Be super serious about doing everything right so God can bless you

Of course, I wouldn't have worded it that way then, but as I look at them now, that's what it amounts to. Seeing and personally feeling the results of the courtship culture makes me want to delete this website and pretend I never had it. I don't want to be associated with it, but I feel like there is an audience who may be searching this term and need to read about a more balanced and healthy approach.

If I were to create a new acronym for COURT it would look something like this:

  1. Cultivate friendships with anyone you find interesting. Be curious about everyone and study their personalities and your personality and understand how and why you jive or don't jive as friends. Look at people as friends, not as tempters or temptresses. 

  2. Offer your authentic self and allow others the freedom to be themselves. In that context, you can create meaningful friendships with anyone who is safe to you. You may experience a broken heart and that's okay. Love involves risk. Be courageous. Show up and be seen.

  3. Understand your emotions - Instead of fearing your emotions, accept them. Validate your reactions to life's circumstances and embrace the God given response system you were designed with which actually is meant to protect you and aid you. If there's one thing most people don't understand it's emotions. Increase your EQ.

  4. Regard affection as a gift - Give the gift of your affection to those worthy to receive it. If someone has not earned the right to your body, don't give it to them. Let your affection be proportionate to your level of trust in them and your mutual commitment. As emotional intimacy deepens, allow the physical expression to blossom with it. (Disclaimer - I'm still a proponent of keeping sex within the confines of marriage, but lets not pretend that saving your kiss till the wedding day is going to guarantee you a happy marriage.) Do what is comfortable for you and let others determine what is comfortable for them.

  5. Trust God with your life - Sometimes life just sucks. Seriously. Things happen, people change, and the one you marry may want a divorce someday. You may do a lot of things right and still not get the happy-ever-after ending you think you deserve. There's no formula. Yes, there are cause-and-effect principles that still operate, but it's not always a sow and reap formula. Sometimes other people burn you and it's not your fault, or at least not entirely. Life is complex, messy, and colorful. It's not all black and white. Embrace it and continue trusting God even when it doesn't make sense.

The person you marry is a big decision. It will affect your emotions, your usefulness in life and even your salvation. So it’s not something to take lightly.

But something I've learned is that when you approach this decision with fear as your rudder, you'll miss the joy of love.

As a young adult I looked around and said to myself "I sure as heck don't want to go through the pain of divorce and have a broken family. What do I need to do to prevent that?"

While that fear is legit, it robbed me of a better approach which may have sounded more like, "What married couple do I know that is older and still madly in love with each other? Oh, them. Yeah, I want to have that kind of intimate connection with my spouse when I'm 50 years old. What did they do to get that?"

This website is under construction. I'm slowly going through each page and updating my content. I have let this site sit idle for the last 4 years and I'm realizing it needs a major overhaul.

If you are looking for guidance in this area, keep checking in. Share your story and lets get real.

Do you have a special courtship story?

If you have a special courtship story, I'd love to hear it!

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If there is any subject that should be considered with calm reason and unimpassioned judgment, it is the subject of marriage.

-E. White